Nerd's Day Out

“Sir, we have return waves from one of the syncs.” Dr. Knott did not even bother looking up. New recruits were always hyperventilating about small signal disturbances. He was currently very busy mapping the Silicate stalactite element detected 800 metres within the core of Planet Ranger. The new recruit could wait for all he cared. He couldn’t even remember the kid’s name. Brink was not in the least hurt by Dr. Knott’s indifference. In fact, he did not even notice it. The crackle of the return waves was far too thrilling. He tried to tune the Grynkophanks – a device invented about a decade ago to sense extra planetorial life forms. Of course it beeped and twanged all day mostly sensing far off galactic movements and other irrelevant signals. That was precisely why new recruits were dumped in the Grankophanx room – (a) no one else wanted to work there and (b) to train them to channel out external noise and concentrate on the job at hand ( their wives could really testify for the success rate). But these signals seemed to be coming from some whwere within the Milky Way itself. It was a gut feeling. But of course, it was written in stone that a scientist should never rely on gut feelings. Dilemma solved.
So Brink tried to get back to the Silicate stalactite density he was researching on for Dr. Knott. But the humming sound kept growing louder till it attained the quality of a voice but he could not decipher what it was saying. He immediately began punching keys and doing mental arithmetic to figure out the decibel index and location index ratio so as to identify the location. None of the permutations seemed to be working. Since Dr. Knott was so uninterested, he decided that this baby was going to be his. He could smell the Nobel prize already.
*******************

“Archer point reporting,” Begus Grunt snapped. When would the infernal chief deign to respond? The contact could die any moment. Luca Penny, his secretary, smiled invitingly at him. “This is not the time for Godssakes!” He was hysteric now. Her smile remained intact. He could break her goddamn jaw. No one took him seriously. First, they put him in charge of some silly blue-green planet that no one but Mudrock even bothered studying. And now when he had managed to make a break even in the most useless job, it wasn’t even acknowledged. No work ethic left in Planet Crete. What else could be expected if Zipcus was in charge, he thought bitterly.
“Archer Point still exists?” A lazy voice chuckled back. “ Damn you Zipcus,” Begus fumed under his breath. Luca loved to see Zipcus all frustrated. It turned her on. “I have been single handedly manning the woebegone station and watching all these years for some sign of intelligence and finally made contact. Do you want me to break it so you can go back to leisure?” “Sarcasm has always been his forte,” Luca grinned to herself. “ Yes, good idea,” and Zipcus hung up. Begus jaw dropped in disbelief. It was at this point that Luca decided that Zipcus was’nt that hot afterall. “Ok Archer Point. Joke Over. If the contact is still there, you might as well still carry it on. Get your fat ass down here so we can hold an extraordinary meeting and put the issue to vote.” Begus couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry. Catching sight of Luca, he decided to lose it completely. “ Now you listen to me Zipcus. Call Mudrock and get all the information about earth that will be essential in deciding he threat / friend value ratio.” “ Agreed. (chuckle)” and the line went dead. What else could the bugger do, thought Begus angrily. He did’nt know the first thing about running a planet let alone handle potential threats.
Begus was suddenly distracted by the jangling of bells. Luca jumped to the earth control. “ Boss, the earth dude is making contact too.”
Oops. Time for a quick beaurocracy free decision.
***************************

Brink was ecstatic. One of his many guesses had struck gold. Double edged contact. He was going to converse with an alien. Of course it was Dr. Knott’s fault that he hadn’t taken him seriously.
“Human?” Begus bellowed.
“ Correct.” Nervous but firm.
“ Can you visit? We can exchange data and benefit from each other.” Standard textbook after-contact conversation.
“ Sure. We’ll send an envoy. His name is Brink.” Quick thinking from an ambitious scientist.
“ Pick up radiation will be there in a moment. Get the guy near the signal.”
For the first time, Brink had second thoughts. What if he died in transit, or worse in a new planet without even the assurance of a posthumous Nobel prize? But the time for that was long gone. He felt a thousand invisible rays burn into his cells. He was losing consciousness. He kept trying to figure out what sort of rays would transport him between planets. Consciouness erased.
Brain cells awaken a little. Ah! Purple hall. Long table. Could be earth. But no, I’m in a new planet. A whole sentence! I must be totally intact. The multiplicant of uncertainties is a constant and falls to definable levels only at Big Hollow conditions. Remember basic physics. Beautiful.
“Shut up.” Mudrock screamed.
“ Come now Mudrock, don’t alienate him. He’s an envoy.” Zypcus chimed.
“ Oh yes… diplomatic immunity and all you know,” blubbered Brink.
“Sorry?” Zypcus and Begus chorus.
“ Some legal bullshit. Irrelavant.” Mudrock, the Earth expert dismissed. It was Mudrock’s defining moment. A life’s worth of research would now come to light. He would kick some ass. He had prepared a list of basic questions to begin with based on which they would map the guy’s brain.
He cleared his throat. “ Brink? How many meals do you people have per day?”
Brink was zonked. He had never been speechless in any of his viva exams in college. But meals? When was the last time he had eaten a meal? “ I have nutrition bars you know, to save time.” Mudrock snorted in disgust.
“ Are you married?”
“ I suppose so.”
“What’s your wife’s name?”
Brink thought for three minutes. Begus wanted to slap the guy. Did he think that was important intelligence that could’nt be given away?
“I can’t remember,” Brink stammered.
Mudrock decided to give it another shot. “ What do you enjoy most?”
Bink brightened. “ The principles of secondary transition of crest-trough convolution have by far been the most interesting. The first principle…”
Zypcus banged the hammer on his table. It was what he always did when proceedings in General Body meetings got unmanageable. Now he had a lunatic in his meeting room.
Mudrock sighed. Brain mapping it is then.
***********************************
“Analysis?” Zypcus asked, suddenly alert. He had decided that Earthlings were some sort of lunatic race with no streak of positive in them. according to Zypcus a man who did not appreciate women, and enjoyed work was someone you just could not trust. There, Begus agreed. Luca had been his only salvation during the years of inaction at the solitary earth station. Mudrock walked into the room seething. “What do those humans think? They’ve sent us a goddamn robot. Do they think we’re not even worth a human envoy? We’ll show em’. Declare war or something.”
“ Calm down Mudrock,” Zypcus thundered. “ But the guy looked human to me. I mean no wires, machines. Are they so advanced as to make humanoids?” Begus could not but agree with Zypcus, for once in his life. Mudrock threw his head back and laughed. Nice and loud. Before the other two could order his execution, he restrained himself and whispered calmly, “ Oh not a real robot. Just a human version of one. They call them ‘nerds’. These guys are born human but due to a little gene deformity and behavioural disfigurement, they maldevelop into social losers and functional winners. So they are put into laboratories where they are more than happy to live.”
“ In fact a robot is modeled on a nerd.”
Zypcus and Begus were speechless.
Finally Zypcus collected himself. “ Begus, stay put. Inform us if any non-nerd makes contact.” “ Mudrock, do everything you can to ensure this nerd gene is prevented from ever appearing in Planet Crete.” He looked at Luca who had been sitting silently and taking down minutes. “ Luca, take Bring with you and teach him to remember your name.”